Sep 30, 2011 04:50
12 yrs ago
English term

comma placement?

English Art/Literary Poetry & Literature
This is a part of a longer sentence:

.....erect, confident, smiling with hands open, resting in his lap.

This isn't looking unnatural to me. How about a comma after the "smiling" and taking out the comma after "open." Any suggestions for improvement? Thank you!

Discussion

Charles Davis Sep 30, 2011:
Firstly, this really does need a comma after "smiling". The phrase "with hands open" functions as one more qualifier in a list referring to the person and the comma indicates this; without it, the implication is that "with hands open" describes the manner of smiling, which of course is not so.

The comma after "open" is a different matter. If you leave this comma, the reader could, in theory, take "resting in his lap" as a fifth element in the list and interpret it as qualifying the person. However, I think no reader would find it even momentarily confusing. As Jane says, "resting in his lap", qualifies the hands, not the person. "With hands open" is a qualifier referring to the person, but "open" is a subqualifier referring to the hands, and "resting in his lap" is another. Thus we have two qualifiers for "hands": "open" and "resting in his lap", and it is quite normal in literary style to separate them with a comma instead of "and" (just as there is no "and" here between "smiling" and "with hands open", the last two elements in a list). So I think the comma after "open" could be retained and the rest left unchanged. For stylistic reasons, that is what I would do.

Responses

+10
22 mins
Selected

Erect, confident, smiling, with open hands resting in his lap.

The problem is that the four elements in the series (the four words or phrases set off by commas) are not parallel. The first three describe the person, but the last ("resting in his lap") describe the hands.

My version is one of many ways to rewrite the sentence and avoid the problem.

Good luck!

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Note added at 46 mins (2011-09-30 05:36:37 GMT)
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Joyce, I don't know if I can improve on the suggestion I already made. My proposal is very similar to yours--add a comma after "smiling" and remove the one after "open." All I did was to reverse "hands open" to "open hands." Another way you could fix this with minimal changes to the original would be: "...erect, smiling, with hands open and resting in his lap."
Any other version I could think of would require more drastic changes, such as making a new sentence: "...erect and smiling. His open hands rested in his lap." It's hard to know whether that would work or not, since I don't know the full context, i.e. what came before "erect" in the original sentence.
Note from asker:
This is not my writing. I'm going through it. I was having exactly the same problem upon seeing this sentence. Jane, could you please give me an example as to how would you word it while keeping the same feel to the sentence? Thank you.
Thank you. My mind's alternatives have been confirmed. :-)
Peer comment(s):

agree Sheila Wilson
43 mins
Thank you, Sheila.
agree Liz Dexter (was Broomfield)
50 mins
Thanks, Liz.
agree Jack Doughty
1 hr
Thank you, Jack.
agree RINA LINGUISTIC SERVICES, Katarina Radojevic- Mitrovic
1 hr
Thanks, Rina.
agree Yasutomo Kanazawa
1 hr
Thank you, Yasutomo.
agree Charles Davis : The extra comma after "smiling" is mandatory. I think you could get away with leaving the rest alone.
1 hr
I agree, Charles; your Discussion entry is quite correct. I prefer my original proposal, but if Joyce wants to tamper as little as possible, your suggestion works.
agree Jenni Lukac (X)
2 hrs
Thanks, Jenni.
agree Suzan Hamer
4 hrs
Thank you, Suzan.
agree Phong Le
18 hrs
Thank you, Phong Le.
agree Gary D
4 days
Thanks, Gary D.
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4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer. Comment: "Selected automatically based on peer agreement."
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